It may surprise you to find out that I don’t set goals. Yes, I’m a coach who helps people understand their bodies better, and learn how to bring forward the version of themselves that they seek to become. But I’ve learned that “goals” is a loaded word, indeed.

While it’s helpful to have an idea of who that person is, setting hard and fast objective goals for arriving there tends to fully remove the human experience from the journey towards being that future self. Trust and believe me, I’ve got plenty of history and experience with the g-word, both for myself, and for the clients I’ve worked with. I have learned that, especially for those who have hard and fast ideas in their brains about what they want to look and feel like, setting firm goals can often be the first step on an unpleasant journey of change and development.

Time and again, I’ve had these visions of what I want to look, feel, and act like. I’ve set these unattainable expectations on my body because of a variety of things (more about that in a bit), and true to form, ended up being burned out, frustrated, and fully detached from who I actually am. I have learned, though, through this constant cycle of goal-setting and failure-feeling, where that all has come from.

There is a wild-ass dragon that has been at my side for most of my life who’s responsible for all those failed goal attempts: my ego.

He’s been the one to say “sure, I can get down to 14% body fat and land a few more clients and bench press over 225lbs and go on at least a few cute dates and yeah I will get laid more and feel better about myself once I achieve all of this and and and…” over and over. Every day he comes at me with another moon launch of a goal, rare and only achievable through raw grit and a shit-ton of luck. He points at me and says, “fuck yeah, we can do this!” with an evil glint in his eye.

Every day. All the time.

It’s exhausting.

What I’ve come to learn, though, about my ego, is that what drives it, what fuels it day in and day out, tends to also not be authentic to who I am, on the inside. No, he (me) takes a look at the world, sees what’s around him - someone else appearing happier, more content, more self-assured - and starts to crave it. He thinks “if only I do X, I can have that” or “see, I can do that too, if I put my full willpower into it” or some such thing. Then he starts to drive my lived behaviors. He takes the wheel of my day to day choices and actions, and steers me down roads I never wanted to walk down in the first place. Crash diets, considering drugs and supplements, wild forms of movement and exercise, extremes at all edges of my life. My ego has absolutely led me into some really dark places, up to and including actual self-harm, that I never intended on reaching in my whole life.

He’s been SUCH a bastard.

So, how do I tame this beast? Well, it’s a daily, conscious, effort. First, I want to introduce you to my ego’s superpower. See, he’s transmutable. Learning this about my ego (thank you, therapy) has been really eye-opening.

When he doesn’t get the satisfaction of goal achievement (which is, by the way, a FLEETING feeling that lasts about as long as it takes to post that hot selfie on social media), he morphs into my internal critic. He becomes the voice of all of the past people who have told me to stay in line, to keep myself out of trouble, to not speak too loud, or upset the world around me. He turns into the strict disciplinarian who chastises me for every decision I make that doesn’t directly feed his goals. He turns on at first light, and doesn’t shut up until complete exhaustion takes over at night.

He lives in my brain, in my thoughts. He’s on the little hamster wheel between my ears and only runs faster and faster until he’s completely out of gas (bodily exhaustion) or I’ve hit him with a substance like alcohol or weed (or porn, or gambling, or sugar, or a really high-intensity workout - things that spike the anti-ego hormone, dopamine).

This turd also runs on minimal sleep, at times, too, and his on-switch is super easy to flip. It usually takes about 3-5 seconds of scrolling my phone to get him into a fevered pitch. He has this real knack for converting envy, jealousy, and longing into self-shame and criticism. It’s kind of astounding, really.

So, back to the question about how to tame this proverbial dragon.

For me, it starts with being that weirdo that speaks to his reflection in the full-body mirror. I have one, in my bedroom, for this sole purpose. I tell the man I see in the reflection that he’s a good human. I use a soft, gentle, assured voice - the same I’d use for a friend or loved one who is in need of support and reassurance - to tell the man staring back at me that he is, in fact, okay. If I wake up feeling lonely, that’s when I tell him that he deserves love and kindness. I also tell him that he has strength, power, and plenty of other virtues that make him a wonderful person to know and love. Sometimes, I remind him that I love him, and that I’ll keep him safe, especially if I’m feeling extra fragile.

I told you it was weird. I make no apologies for it, though.

Therapy taught me that, given my childhood circumstances, I didn’t really get that kind of support from parents and adults in my life as a child, and as an adult, those needs are now mine to meet for myself. So? In a sense, I’m being the parent, guardian, and caregiver for the man in the mirror (me) in a way that he’s not received in the past. So far, this little self-reflection activity has done me a lot of good. So far, it’s been able to keep the inner critic (again, a version of my ego) quiet and satisfied.

It’s also taught me that, in fact, that ego/critic is actually the same part of me who is seeking the love and validation that my childhood was lacking. It’s just my inner kiddo stomping his feet and demanding safety, attention, and love. When I embody the parental energy that was missing from my early, formative years, the act of caring for myself reaches further into my mind. I go further into my sense of self, and, for lack of a better way to describe it, it feels like the hug I have been seeking for most of my life: deep, firm, grounded, true.

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Below is a fairly easy technique for managing your ego, and arriving at a better place to make choices and decisions that come from a place of both authenticity and deep honesty with yourself. The ego, as you may find, is quieter, less critical, and certainly not in the driver’s seat. Give it a shot.

Start with taking a few deep square breaths (box breathing: https://youtu.be/tEmt1Znux58?si=uG8w3yirA1Ekwiwe).

Then? Tell yourself you’re okay. Remind yourself that you’re safe, capable, deserving, or any other feeling that you’re wanting to feel in the moment. See how that feels in your body, and repeat as needed.

When you’ve done this, decide what your next move is.

What does your body want?

• Are you hungry?

• Need a drink of water?

• Do you want a short walk or stretch?

• If possible, can you take a nap and rest?

Once your body is taken care of, then you’re ready to get to know your future self, and make choices that reflect progress towards that version of you that’s right there, waiting for you to embody him.